I am clucky as a barnyard full of chickens at the moment.
It’s crazy, isn’t it?! After my painful, drawn out birth experience… after how incredibly hard I found the first few months… even with how I still struggle to learn patience and to give up my alone time… even though my brain is in full knowledge of all of that….
I want another one.
Two! Can you imagine me with two?! My brain says it’s a ridiculous idea. My brain says to wait at least one or two more years. But everything else – whether it’s hormones or maternal instinct or I don’t know what the hell it is – just wants to make another baby.
I think part of the reason I had such a tough time in the beginning with Scarlett is because I was mourning the life I lost. I was mourning sleep ins, quiet hours reading my book, uninterrupted cups of tea, nights out on the town without a second thought, doing what I want, when I want…. I was mourning a life which revolved around ME.
It was a hard transition for me to make. I really struggled in those first few months. If you had asked me then, I would have said Scarlett was going to be an only child and I was NEVER doing this again. Ah female hormones are wonders for handing out rose-coloured glasses 😛
And yet, I think one of the things that made it so hard for me was the fact that I didn’t realise how rewarding it would get. I had no idea how much I would really come to enjoy it. From about six months onwards, I have found bubba so much more fun. She moves around, she initiates laughter, her personality slowly becomes revealed, she smiles when she’s having fun, she chats. She’s fun to be around. She make me laugh all the time, even when I’m grumpy.
Seeing her amazing little personality begin to shine more and more each day, it just makes me think – we made a person! And… we could make another one! What would our next little person be like? What would his/her personality be like, what would make them laugh, what would they find fun?
I’m never going to be childless again, and I feel like I’ve already mourned for that and come to terms with it. In some ways, maybe that is the hardest part over for me. For the first few months, the words “mum” and “daughter” didn’t feel right in my mouth. I still didn’t identify with it – it sounded like someone else. Now I hear a baby cry and instantly move as if to react – even if Scarlett is not around. Now telling people I have a daughter is the most natural thing in the world. I have accepted my new role, my new identity – Mum.
Which is not to say I have lost who I was – rather that who I was has been expanded upon, added to… made better. Being a mum makes me a better person every day.
Life doesn’t revolve around me anymore – it revolves around her every second… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She adds the dimension to my life that I had been missing all those years of lostness and searching. Even when it’s hard, I know my life is better for having her in it.
I would love to go through the whole thing again with the knowledge I have now – with less of the unknown, being able to enjoy each step a little more for knowing what comes after it. Savouring each bit a little more. Savouring that initial excitement of being pregnant. Savouring the big fat waddling stage. Savouring the birth – yes, even that. Savouring that newborn time when they are needy and teensy and just eat and drink and sleep. Savouring every bit in that bittersweet knowledge that it lasts just such a very short time in the scheme of things.
I would hope that I would cope better this time around, with the newborn stage, with all of it. But adding a toddler into the mix… well, that’s just a whole new ballgame isn’t it?! Who knows… but I really would like to find out.
But don’t go getting too excited, we’re certainly not trying yet, the timing isn’t quite right for us yet, and my IUD isn’t going to be letting in any “accidents”. So I will just sit and cluck a little longer and enjoy my mini munchkin as she grows.